Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Ever the student, ever the lesser
The Dime
There's a mental flaw to my memories that is hard to describe, and so it leads me to believe that it is uncommon.  Perhaps it is, perhaps it is merely undiscussed, though given my neuroses, there is evidence to the former (although my neuroses in and of themselves are evidence towards the latter).

I have always been drawn to older crowds.  Part of this is being of a more mature mind as a child than my peers, but part of it also is a cultivated strategy to seem 'special'.  It stems from being a teacher's pet, head of the class, 'gifted', and yes, mayhaps millenial.  By being the youngest, the bar is set lower, because I occupy a different rung.  Anything I achieve can stand alone, without the burden of peer comparison.

So now I have a lifetime of memories of being with these mentors, these guides to the world.  Only now I have reached an age well beyond what my older friends had achieved at the time of the memories.  This is most specific to high school and college.  I ponder back on those memories, and I judge and critique myself, and to the skies I curse, "If only I had known then what I know now!".  And inevitably, I reflect on those older friends, and how much wiser they were than me, and still are.  I attribute the wisdom of their current age to those memories.  I never judge them from the vantage point of hitting 21, 22, 23 myself.  They are eternally out of reach from me.

As I said, it is difficult to describe.