Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
the journey of grief
Singing Agathe
It's been two weeks now since we lost Buttons. The constant fits of crying have tapered of, the oppressive grief has lifted slightly. I do not walk through my day in a haze of pain. The emotions well to the surface when I am tired, or when I speak aloud about him, or when I dwell on his empty food dish or his undisturbed leash, both of which I simply cannot bear to put away. But such moments are becoming more rare.

And in that, I am awash with guilt and self-hatred.

It has been only two weeks since we lost Buttons, my baby boy, and I want my grief to still be a tangible force, ripping away at me. I want to know that he meant SOMETHING, and the only way I can think is to wear the pain as a constant reminder of him. I fear that in losing my grief, I am losing him for a second time, and he deserves so much more than that. And yet, all the suffering I might push myself through, it does not change that he is gone and we are left here without him, struggling to redefine our family.

His vet made a donation in his name to the advancement of animal science. It was so unexpected, so touching, the card took my breath away and left me in a heap. That is how I should honor his memory - I should do right in this world in his name.

And I must hold my Zipper close, and love her for who she is. I have anxieties now, about her being alone in the house. About her anxieties. Andy talks about getting her another companion, and I simply cannot stand the thought. But am I being selfish?

His collar is on my altar now. It hurts to move it, because the jingle of the tags stings my heart with so much memory of him.
Tags: ,

  • 1
Many hugs. Grief is a strange journey. I don't know if it really means anything, but I think of you as a more beautiful person for experiencing it instead of avoiding it.

  • 1