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The Dime
Here's the letter I am NOT sending to my Grandmother:

Dear Grandma,

Wassup, suckah? How's it going down there in AZ? That's nice. Anywoo, let's talk about Love. Love is an amazing thing, right? It’s all like "I'm Love, an intangible, universal force that grants meaning to an otherwise hollow and finite existence". Love knows no boundaries. Not distance, nor age, nor if you happen to be a dude and want to marry another dude. Love doesn't count wangs. However, I do, and there's gonna be two wangs in my marriage. And no vageens.

What I'm trying to hint at is that I'm gay, my boyfriend's gay, and I asked him to gay marry me and he said yes – and then a purse fell out of his mouth! So we're having a super gay wedding, to which you are invited! Now lest you fear being overwhelmed, rest assured that aside from myself, my homosexual lover, and my homosexual lover's boss and her homosexual lover, there probably won't be very many gays at all. At least not of the obvious sort. Also, we'll try to keep our raging homosexuality limited to the dance floor and maybe a girlie cocktail at the bar.

A little more about my 'special princess' as I never call him: He's a tall drink of fancy-water, with a great smile and plenty of piercings to advertise his deviant nature. You've actually met him once eight years ago when you came for my college performance in Guys and Dolls. (Guys and Dolls, Grandma! I mean, for Christ's sakes, why is any of this a surprise?) We have a lot in common like theater, wangs, and other gay stuff. While our carnal relations have been 'full queen ahead' since our first date (tee hee, I'm such a slut!), we only started living in sin once I graduated from Hippy Liberal School for Socialists. We eventually bought a townhouse so we could have many rooms in which to bang each other. At one point, we decided to 'spice things up' by throwing matrimony into the mix, cause we had heard so much about how getting married kicks thing up a notch in the boudoir.

That and... well, no point in side-stepping now, right? I'm pregnant!

We were going to keep it a secret, but it's getting difficult since it's twins! I'm ballooning up like a big, gay house, and I barely fit in my flouncy, brightly colored blouses any more. While the pregnancy caught us and the entire medical community by surprise, we accept this blessing as a part of God's plan for us heathens. Another two soldiers for the Lord! Zelda and Zephyr are due right around the wedding too. We both hope I won't go into labor when Lady Gaga's Telephone is playing, cause giiiiiirl that is my SONG. Fingers crossed! Legs too!

In conclusion, Grandma, it is my sincerest hope that you will come share this joyous occasion with us. We promise to have booze. Good God, will we have booze.

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This is a true work of art. :D

Thanks much! I appreciate being able to preview the first draft for a select few crafters.

This is fabulous!

Also, congrats!

Without a trace of irony, that is in fact the most fabulous thing I've read in a while. (hi ees dre if you are wondering "who the hell is this random poster?" wandered over when i heard jaime snickering.)

Random poster? Not spam? I've finally arrived! This is my internet fame! :D

I think maybe you need a 'are you kidding me with this?' in there. otherwise, it's perfect!

Look for my upcoming segment 'According to O'Connor' - an advice column in the voice of our favorite just-about-to-snap director.

I promise to only use this for good... and for judging people.

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Welp, now that I've peaked, I can just retire into old cranky-man-itude, right? "Back when I was a popular LJ post..."

You were missed at crafting. Glad this could help bring you up to speed. ;)

Beeeeeeauuuutiful. Truly. A thing of beauty. That needs to be spread over toast along with jam.

I should be creeped out that someone wants to eat my words on toast. But I'm not, and I think that says a lot about me AND the people I hang with. :D

I am in super awe. This is amazing.

Thank you! I hope it could brighten up a law-school burdened day.

I haven't told you recently, but you are the best, and I love you.

There would be much sadness in my life if game had not provided the awesome opportunity to see you so often. I know I am bad in staying in touch.

This is too awesome for words!

I hope that the wedding is the wonderful occasion that you dream of, and I look forward to seeing how happy and swank you guys look. (Squee of joy!)

Thank you so much! Swank is definitely the goal (and probably no flouncy blouses).

"Love is patient, love is kind; love does not count wangs"

Color me hella impressed, dude. Well done!

Re: "Love is patient, love is kind; love does not count wangs"

Thank you much! This was really off-the-cuff, but it's gotten a surprising response.

i laughed. i cried. it changed my life

Was it better than Cats?

dude, no. nothing's better than cats. (srsly, wtf)

but it was close, really it was.

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