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The Dime
I think I'm having a fucking-fuckin-ffffffffuuuckkkiii.... anxiety attacks? I don't do them, so I don't know if that is what this is or nto. I don't know. I just can't comprehend what hwat ahwt tahwwwwwwwwwwwww.. It's liek my heart is twisting up in my chest and it hurts hurts hurts and my fingers cant's stop fluttering like like little mottled moths everywhere, and my list of things do to makes me want to cry and im usually so good abbout leeaving work at work,a nd not caring and maybe it's not work but maybe again it is cause iw ant to do so well so good so perfectly wonderful but i can't do everything and like i said i'm getting good at accpeting non perfection and I said that before eright? and god i can't stop eating but i have to stop and i don't even know why i'm so tense and caught up and fuck the edits i'm good with the delete button but not that ghood no not delete, i'm a backspace boy, i always noticed that abra was a delete girla nd i was a backspace boy and we open tonight and nothing is ready but that s not even it was it the cafeeine the the affeeien the caffeine there my spell check recognized that one cause i took this 5-hour energy shot and i never drink caffeine for cafeeine but that was hhours ago fuck fuck fuck why does hit hurt and just let it all go away cause its totally some kind of physicological reaction of my body i know this i'm not all crazy brainy emotional it s some chemical in my body fucking me up and i just hope it passes soon casue this shit is weird werid wierd. its not like i need to settle down i dont mind my world spinning it s just not know why and seriously is someone going to answer that ow my heart fingers and nervous teatth and i couldnt sleep now if i wanted to and i sleep at the drop of a hat a hat a fucking hat Agent Smart. This is is is is is is isisisis sisisisisi ISIS!

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What ever it is, I am sorry. It sounds sucky. Hope that things get better shortly.

Thanks much, it did indeed pass.


Possibly panic attack? I've been told they can even happen without any good reason...feel free to e-mail/call if you need someone to talk to.

I appreciate the offer. It went away on its own eventually; it was replaced with opening night jitters, but I know those quite well, so they're not as alien.

Hang in there. Remember to breathe... I catch myself forgetting to do that now and again and it always helps to start again. I'm thinking of kicking caffeine for a time to see what effect it'll have on me.

Massive doses of caffeine can put you into an odd stream of consciousness state... I hit that once. My caffeine trip was a more cheerful manic one, it's too bad tensions caught you in their rusty coils.

I drink a caffeinated pop now and then, and have had the odd Jag Bomb, but I never rely on caffeine to get me through the day, and I've always been proud of that. Thing is, this shot I took only had the caffeine of "a single cup of coffee", so it must have been something else in there that triggered this.

My best trick for dealing with panic attacks has always been to just tell myself, "there's nothing actually wrong. This is just chemical." Say it over and over again until the panic starts to fade. I don't think the words actually matter that much; it's the repetition of the mantra that was key for me.

A mantra would have helped, I'm sure. Problem was that I didn't allow myself the time to get into a good head space. I flew out of work, came home to eat a quick dinner, let the dogs out and get to the show.

The fact that there truly wasn't anything wrong was the really odd part of it all. The Boy says he gets the same reaction from Claritin, though, so that made me feel a little more justified in my self-diagnosis.

Gah... yeah. I'm on Claritin too! I never really examined it to see what kind of reaction it had on me.

This might be a very strange thing to say, but I think the last sentence of your post is beautiful. That's was my initial reaction to the whole thing.

Am I just that weird?

It IS awesomely written, but then I am a fan of stream of consciousness and writing that breaks the confines of grammar.

Well I haven't read much in that style, but apparently I like it. I like this one anyway, despite the subject matter.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one!

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