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The Dime
Watching movies in the theaters, going to plays/dance concerts, reading really good books - it all inspires me to create. Problem is the rush dies off too quickly these days; the dream is backshelved by bills and taking out the trash, and this indescribable fatigue that I've been feeling for months. I want to create. I want to make something worthwhile... but the while that it's worth suddenly becomes too high a cost of time in my mind.

The problem, quite simply, is that I am too good at escaping, and the Real World just keeps giving me more reasons to escape. I'm never going to move forward by always running away, though. I definately still need to grow up. A lot.

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Growing up is overrated. I'm finding that with the external trapping of "growing up" I'm letting myself become more childlike (maybe because I was such a responsible kid). Going for a walk down a trail with a sign telling me not to, stopping to look at a pretty flower, reading plays the day before the production meeting and still saying something intelligent with the director, putting off doing "useful things" and running away to the beach or the movies all day.

But, you're right; the trash still needs to be taken out, the bills paid, and the dishes washed. And I haven't gotten out my jewelry stuff in months.

It's mainly the work thing that my mind refuses to accept. I have to learn that yes, I will be expected to work at least 40 hours a week at a job I may not like for the next 40 some years. That prospect does not sit well with me, but instead of making the best of it, I hide from it.

I haven't written anything worthwhile in months.

Wow does that resonate. The fun part is when you try to incorporate escapism into the real world, and it ends up turning sour on you. Sometimes I worry that it's less a need to grow up and more a need to be ground down to the point where you don't care anymore.

God, does that sound horribly familiar. I ran away to academia, but it didn't work out.

Ryan and I are going to get together a crew of rogues and fugitives with hearts of gold and buy a spaceship. Join us?

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