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wispering
October
wilowisp
Once in a while (and only just), I grow angry and resentful towards those couples who can spontaneously create a child that is half of each of them. Now, from a logical standpoint, I realize that not all straight couples can make a baby without some form of help, and not all straight couples are able to make a baby that is a part of each of them; however, all spontaneous "half-yours, half-mine" baby-makers are straight couples. So it's easy to say it's a frustration towards straight couples.

We could have children. We want to have children. Most of the time, it's not important to me that either of us have a genetic link to them. Even still, though, adoption takes years to plan, years to process. Sometimes, though, I really get hurt by the fact that no child can ever, ever be part of me and part of him in the blood, in the flesh. It feels like punching a wall; something that doesn't move, that you didn't really think would move, but occasionally you just have to do something to remind yourself that no, it's not ok that the wall is there, even if you'll be able to live with it.

These thoughts never arise when my god-daughter is about. The only thoughts that arise when she is about center around how in love with her I am; how I would write mountains and narrate oceans for Her.

I dunno... food for thought on a rainy morning.

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Well, it could be. If you each had children with different birth-mothers, and then those children had children. But that would be weird and not a little pseudo-incestuous. Alternately, you could in-vitro fertilize twins--there'd be some sort of back-and-forth as they grew, if only in nutrients.

I appreciate the outside-the-box suggestions. I'm gonna have to pass on the psuedocestuous one for now.

And I note the twins you don't pass on. But twice as many diapers--eugh!--that's got to be pure evil.

Often times I am told to be quiet when I mention wanting my own children...not in those words of course...but I understand as I am too outspoken regarding this longing.

I wish I could be idealistic and think someone would just voluntarily host my seed so that I might have a child; though I too would like it to share blood with my lover, however I don't honestly believe in such an ideal either.

Sadly, science hasn't come so far and I don't know if my child would resent being brought up and from two dads... and that worries me.

Though, it'd be nice to hold a child of my own blood in my arms as he slept away his exhausting day.

It really is the mixing of two bloods, for me, when it gets me down at all. And maybe just a hint of irrational jealousy.

If it comes to the biological option, I think I'd rather they be his, to be honest. Can't say why.

Regarding the jealousy...
I guess I am not so jealous of people who have children, but rather a large part of my jealous anger arises when I hear people opting out of having children. To be able to exercise such a choice is great, I guess...but it is harder to deal with when you realize that that choice is denied to you and there is only one route.

As for wanting any future children of yours to be of his blood...
I wonder if perhaps you fear losing him at some point (ie the inevitable passing away stage of life) and his child would be able to keep him alive for the remainder of your own life. Or perhaps that is too heavy?

I think it's because you're a thinking human being who is naturally more sensitive, inquisitive, and despairing of your own faults.

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