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An unexpected fear
Muted Real
About 3 weeks ago, the Boy and I went looking at condos. It is definately in his goals to own sometime this summer. Before, it was just him on his computer, searching the sales sites, describing to me the dimensions and details that only formed a half-picture in my brain; not something easy to get excited about. That changed once we actually entered the spaces. The tangible walls, the textures of the air and light, the kinetic sense of my body in a new space, and of course, the possibilities. I wanted to see more, I wanted to commit to looking around, finding the perfect place, existing in this search as opposed to trying to conceptualize it.

But of course, the Boy falls in love with the first place we look at, and hasn't stop talking about "if we get that first condo" since we saw it. I'm cautiously optimistic as well, just needing to see more for a good comparison. I do like the first space, the things we can do, the ways we can make it ours. I just don't want to accept only that one yet.

Yesterday, he discovered that the price of that first place dropped about $15,000. New passion in his voice, a creep of excitement, an obsession on the brain. Having it one step closer to being real made his day. But as for me, I found myself suddenly terrified. Not just about the financial situation or the logisitics of owning a place. Not about plumbing and paint, or Feng Shui and moving day. Just about the space itself. Just about commiting myself to a space for the long-term. Suddenly there's not enough light, and I hate that hallway, and where the hell will we put all of our stuff? It's this terror that it's not the perfect space, and yes there is no perfect space, but what if there is a better one? What if we buy it, we move in, and I hate it?

The fear that came upon me was surprising. He says he can understand where I'm coming from, but I have my doubts about how fully he can. He's nothing but optimism and promise, making it work and taking chances. That's not me. We're in two very different places in our lives when it comes to this.

In the end, we will probably try to get this place. It will be a question of whether I buckle, or whether I come to terms with my fears.

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I would suggest going and looking at some more places before you settle. It took me and matt from September to Feb. to find a house we really liked and we were going pretty much every weekend with our realtor. It's not an apartment...it's a huge investment. Make sure you really like it enough to jump in.

Getting older sucks sometimes, doesn't it? And it also doesn't suck at roughly the same rate, but without the amplitude.

i would agree with you on the fear.
not sure i would be ready to own my place.
too young, desire for flexibility and able to move on a whim...so on...
good luck to you, i have no words that will make the process easier.


As a homeowner, just make sure you have the financial stability to own property. There are many costs above and beyond just the mortgage associated with owning property. Owning property is the best way to go, but don't believe the "you can buy just as cheap as rent" nonsense.
Good luck.

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