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The necessary strength of heart
Martyr
wilowisp
My littlest love, Zipper, got her teeth cleaned today at the vet, which meant that she had to be put under anesthesia. She's had it done before, and came through with flying colors, and today is no different - mild lethargy, slow to eat or drink, acting a little 'off'. But today is the first day that she's been under the weather since Buttons' passing, and the week that led up to it. Every out of place noise she makes, ever moment she doesn't take a sip of water feels like I'm losing her. Every successful shake, every kibble consumed feelings like an amazing victory. I've put my evening on hold to do little things, like sit on the kitchen floor next to her, watching her eat.

It was a very hard week, the last week we had Buttons. It still wrecks me to think too hard on it. And now, even in the best of time, without even a shadow of a threat looming over us, I am near to falling to pieces over her every move. What happens when she does get sick? When she does get old? Will my heart be strong enough to handle all that again?

It is enough to make me pause on the question of if we will get another dog. It even makes me worried that I am not strong enough to handle having a child. Every moment of every day, worried for their well-being, watching them eat and drink and breathe and wondering this is a sign that they are fading. I'm caught up in a tempest of doubt and fear.

I hope it's the time of night. Or the long winter. Or my still mending heart from the loss of my beloved Buttons. Or even my own ever-growing feeling that there is something 'not right' with my health these days. I hope that I have a strong enough heart to welcome new life to its guardianship.
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