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Fear
Martyr
wilowisp
This morning I found something on my desk left by the Boy last night; it was a flyer for Zenon Dance Company's open house this weekend, with free introductory courses to entice people to sign up for the upcoming session.

My heart is in knots.

My brain is trying to come up with every excuse not to go. I don't have any decent dance clothes. I'm way too out of shape to leap back in like that. I won't know anyone, and I'm just too timid.

Basically, a litany of excuses to keep me from going. To keep me from trying, and yes, perhaps making a fool of myself. To hold onto the comfortable bubble that I've mistaken for safety and is really nothing more than apathy. It's why I don't call my old friends from college, why I don't go to most parties, why I don't sign up for a class at the Loft or try out for a play or do really anything any more.

I'm scared.

I can't let that own me. I have to go this Saturday. Maybe it will become something more, maybe it's just a one-shot deal. But I have to go, or else... I don't know what else. I think I'll learn to hate myself, maybe.

Besides... contact improv rocks.

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Admittedly I haven't seen you in a few years, but I think you can do it. I know the feeling - I don't want to apply for something and get laughed out for not being as sharp as I could be. But what's the saying again, "go boldly in the direction of your dreams, live the life you imagine"? I tell myself: fear aside, that's it. That's what I want. And I have to have it.

Let us know how it goes, ok?

Conquering my fear has always been difficult, because I fight so hard against admitting that I am afraid. But I will try to control it, at least for a morning, and let you know how I did.

I have brilliant friends - those who both inspire me and intimidate me with a single, well-placed word. I know the 'moth-to-candle' symbol has been done to death, but really - who wouldn't want to be the moth if you can't be the candle?

*hug* I know the feeling. A while back I had a moment of, "I could possibly call into my life the kind of job that I really want to have, but then I would have to be brave enough to step off the cliff and take it." I am doing a lot of work with fear and the letting go of it and the releasing of some of the reasons that is has crept into my life so deeply and insidiously. You should go, even if it feels like your heart has crept up to your throat and you don't know what to say. It is hard to be afraid and still step out and meet things. But we want to feel alive, and that aliveness requires our presence in our lives in all their complexity and joy and fear.

I miss our circle at Mac, though I have found some amazing and wonderful people to practice with, it is sporadic and I don't know many of them very personally.

I wish you luck, and I sympathize. I think that I know something of the feeling.

Satya

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