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Must. Not. Strangle. Co-worker.
The Dime
wilowisp
How would one go about politely saying "Excuse me, but your loud, obnoxious chewing is an annoyance to the degree of mental instability, and I've fantasized about strangling you for the past ten minutes, hoping to eventually leave your cold, unable-to-chew-anymore body somewhere in a rank and damp gutter"?

Must focus. Must not lash out. What. Would. Baal. Do.

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I think you'd say it exactly like that.

Say you have a migraine, and sounds like scraping, chewing, and (make up another one) that are repeditive tend to get to you when your head hurts. Be sweet and apologetic (so that if they refuse or are offended then they reveal their TRUE form as Giant Douche), and later plot to put cyanide in their coffee.

MUHAHAHA!

(Deleted comment)

Simple...

(Anonymous)
I say just kill her and be done with it. Bury her component parts under the floor boards ala "Tell Tale Heart." That would be somewhat poetic.
G

Look, I don't know that killing someone and burying the chopped up body counts as "poetic" simply because there was a poem in which the same thing happened.

(Deleted comment)
Fine, Mr. I-don't-know-the-difference-between-Minneapolis-and-Saint-Paul.

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