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Nocturnal Apprehension
The Dime
More dreams with singing. They are not songs that I can find anywhere else.

Sleep has become a place I am not going willingly. Besides the struggle falling asleep that I'm having when going to bed after the boy is already sleeping, other things worry me. Two nights in a row, he claimed I work up, gasping, unable to breathe. Sleep apnea, crisply spoken, but there's that small slip of terror that if I do stop breathing again, am I sure my body will wake up?

And last night, the boy was talking in his sleep. I tried to rouse him the second time he began an outburst, but though he was answering me, he was not lucid. He got angry with me for accusing him of still being asleep, and for one horrid moment, I was afraid. This wasn't someone I knew, this wasn't a person who's actions I could predict. It was some stranger, who could do anything, because he didn't know me. The half answers, ones that made full grammatical sense but only partial actual sense, they had an eerie quality just because it was his voice, but not.

I know I say strange things in the half-dreams, and that's partially why I'm not 100% comfortable sleeping with someone night after night. It makes all those strange things of slumber much more noticeable, more real. A loss of control, a loss of sanctuary in the supposedly safest place to be; my own bed.

I dreamt last night that someone loved me, now that I could no longer love him. I dreamt of a house I had lived in during college for a year and a half, with pixy_styx and strixnebulosa, before leaving for a semester abroad. The house had been left in my name, I need to go back, to a place I had invested so much yet could not recall a single day living inside. The back porch was too small to stand upright, and had become overgrown. Two fat, golden and brown pheasants had taken up residence in there. I never went into the other parts of the house, fearing what I would find. Fearing the sight, the realization of what kind of place I had lived in. Not wanting to see where I had been.

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...did you mean nocturnal emissions?

No. There was nothing emitted, nothing transfered, nothing that escaped. Everything was contained, denied, sealed up, stagnant and avoided.

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